I feel so lucky to have been able to spend the first five months of her life with her 24/7. Most working moms don't get to take such long maternity leaves, and I think it's going to be really hard for me to go back to work. I've been dreading it for the past few weeks/months, and that dread and sadness is getting worse by the day. But I have heard that the dread/anticipation/build-up for returning to work is worse than the actual event. I hope that's true!
Part of the dread is that while my world has been completely wrapped up in Elodie the past 5-6 months, the rest of the world has moved on. I feel so out of touch with what's going on in the world. And the work situation I will return to is very different from the work situation I left. I got promoted and will have new roles/responsibilities, a lot of people have left and new people have started, etc. And even my hours... I used to come home around 7pm - 8pm most nights, but now I'll have to leave work by 4:30pm in order to get to Elodie by 5:30 or 6, and spend a few precious hours with her before she falls asleep for the night (around 7:30 or 8). I never thought my commute was that long (a little over an hour door-to-door), until now!
I know that some moms look forward to going back to work for various reasons. Before I had Elodie, I totally thought I would be one of those moms... looking forward to adult interactions (outside of Eric), using my brain, intellectual conversations, etc. I thought that I would get impatient with Elodie, and need breaks from her. But she has proved me so wrong. Not that I don't want to have intelligent discussions, but my desire to be with Elodie and take care of her far outweighs any desire to get out of the house and work with other adults. I think part of this is because I'm lucky to have such a good baby. I know some of the moms who were looking forward to going back to work had difficult colicky babies who cried all the time (not to say they weren't loved just as much!). But Elodie is so good to me (most of the time), and I'm going to miss her so much! It just sucks that at this age and for a while longer, she needs to go to bed so early, that I only get to spend 2 - 3 hours max with her each day.
Becoming a mom has changed me in many ways... or maybe it's more accurate to say that I am surprised at how different I am as a mom than I thought I would be... how Elodie has brought things out in me that I didn't expect.
Before Elodie arrived, I was definitely the less patient person between me and Eric. I am very impatient with many things... traffic/driving, waiting in lines, etc. But Elodie has brought out a level of patience in me that I didn't expect. I can just sit or lay down with her forever... And when she cries, my world stops until I can calm her. Before she was born, I thought that Eric would be the softy, and I would need to be the disciplinarian. But I am way more of a softy than Eric is. He complains that I "baby her" too much, and I should just let her cry sometimes. But hearing her cry just breaks my heart!
I'm trying to cherish these last few days with her as much as I can. When I'm nursing, I try to remind myself to appreciate the moment with her, instead of scrolling mindlessly through my Facebook feed on my phone. Gaze at her beautiful eyes, her perfect little nose and dimple, her soft cheeks, her feather-light hair... haha. I know this sounds so cheesy. She's so perfect to me and growing so fast, and I'm so sad I won't be around as much, to see her continue to grow even more!
Anyways, I'm sure things will be fine and we will quickly get through the initial transition, but I will really cherish these last few days as much as I can!
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| Library story time selfie! |
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